1. “You look tired.”
Urban Dictionary has this statement translated to a tee, “you look like shit.”
A rarely well-received insult. Just don’t say it. Seriously. When I’m tired, for example, there’s definitely no need to remind me. I’m well aware. If I was feeling quite fine and gleeful, you’ve now pissed me off with your insult. Best to avoid this one altogether.
Alternatively, if I’m feeling quite fine, gleeful and full of rest, you’ve now pissed me off with your insult.
Best to avoid this one altogether.
2. “I’m sorry you feel that way.”
No explanation necessary. This is the most irritating, non-apology ever. Despite grand requests to avoid making such a disgusting display of manipulative, blame reversal word vomit, it haunts me like the plague.
This is not an apology, but it IS effective ammunition… and you know it, fuckers. ;)
3. “You Always…” and/or “You Never…”
ohhhh I HATE.
“There are two reasons why overarching accusations are so toxic: First, they’re judgmental, and really, no one likes to be judged. Second, across-the-board generalizations like these are not only often inaccurate — all your partner has to do is find one example to make your statement untrue —but they also automatically put your partner on the defensive, relationship expert Wendy Walsh, PhD explains.
Ultimately, this derails the discussion rather than getting at the heart of the problem. (Can I get an Amen?!?!) “If you say, ‘You always do this,’ then the argument becomes ‘No, I don’t always do this’ instead of what the argument is really about,” says Walsh. “There’s no choice but to defend yourself.”
“If you say, ‘You always do this,’ then the argument becomes ‘No, I don’t always do this’ instead of what the argument is really about,” says Walsh. “There’s no choice but to defend yourself.”
This one actually occurred less than 2 hours ago. I addressed one specific issue. The response? “You’re always unhappy! No matter what I do, you’re never happy. You’re always mad at me!”
* Let the record show: These “you always” and “you never” accusations came from someone who had just informed what a joy I brought to their life, how I was such an inspiration because of my nature, my smile, blah blah blah. This person had yet to even see me truly angry, raise my voice angry, which is pretty much his natural state, all. the time.
How can my nature and smile and spirit be an inspiration if now I’m suddenly always angry? Because making such a bold, ridiculous claim, as Dr. Walsh stated, the argument becomes ‘No, I don’t always do this’ instead of what the argument is really about,” which happened to be his thoughtless actions regarding a sensitive subject.
4. “This is why…..”
Oh my goodness, I got this one this morning too. Going for the gold here. I believe it was, “this is why I can’t talk to you.” (Impressive, right? It’s a double slap in the face.)
Phrases like “this is why I can’t get any sleep” or “this is why you’re so stressed” (or, if you’re me, “this is why I can never talk to you”) can actually be expressions of contempt, and are toxic to a relationship, David Sbarra, PhD, associate professor in the Department of Psychology and director of clinical training at the University of Arizona he says.
Making your partner feel low or inferior to you is the most noxious of relationship behaviors. These remarks imply that you know it all — and you don’t. “You’re inferring you know the reason, but maybe that’s not the reason,” Sbarra says. In reality, saying “This is why…” just makes your partner feel like you don’t understand him or her.
5. “Was that good for you?”
I fully concur with the interpretation of this post-coital inquiry provided by AskMen.com:
Almost as bad a question as “How many people have you been with sexually” is the query “How was that?” right after sex. You could be the world’s worst lover and if the woman you’re having sex with loves you, she’ll lie and say you’re the best she ever had. She’ll lie, this time with words, instead of fake moans and groans.
Instead Say: “That was amazing.”
6. “Calm Down”
This usually comes from the person who initiated the exchange you are now taking part in, in a calm, inside voice. Oh, man.
Take a hint from Men’s Fitness:
“Flash: women sometimes overreact to stuff. But when something’s upsetting her, telling a woman to calm down comes off as dismissive. Want to make things reallyinteresting? Tell her this while you’re already fighting. The surest way to ensure she never calms down is to tell her to calm down.”
7. “Fine. You’re right. Whatever.”
“Our opinion matters because our spouse matters. When they ask for an opinion, shrugging it off with “whatever” is a tiny dart that tells our spouse we don’t value their question enough to give it thought and consideration. When we do that enough times, it adds up to our spouse feeling unworthy. Again, showing genuine interest in what our spouse is thinking about or concerning themselves with shows great love for them. Stop with the “whatevers.”
8. “What more do you want from me?”
This needs no solidifying explanation. You get it.
9. “I think maybe we should break up.” or “I don’t think I can do this anymore.”
Say what you mean. Mean what you say.
This is a dangerous statement.
Why? Because what he’ll/she’ll hear is:
– “I’m not happy.
– You’re not making me happy.
– What would make me happy is if we broke up.”
In the wanting to make you happy, he or she will shrug his shoulders and say, “Okay.”
The receiving party of this statement will immediately feel hurt, the guarded and understandably defensive. Confidence in the unit breaks here, warrantied with the choice of verbiage, casting the guilt of an unhappy life on the contending dumpee.
10. “We should start running together” or “We should get a puppy!“
Here’s the deal… Promises are pointless. Actions are absolute.
If you suggest running as a couples activity, despite the fact that you hate running and somehow just never hopped on the 3 day a week cardio bandwagon, chances are you don’t want to. So don’t suggest it.
Talking about getting a pet? Be honest about your concerns or hesitations before your partner takes action as a result of your stated, yet fraudulent, intention.